What if the Government took over football?

By: Richard G. Fessler, MD, PhD

American football is broken.  Why? How is the most popular game in America, seemingly enjoyed by nearly all of its citizens broken?  It is broken because of cost, conflict of interest, inequality, undue outside influence, and inefficiency. 

First, it is broken because of cost.  It costs America millions, if not billions, (well, maybe trillions?) of dollars each year.  European football is played for much less expense.  Why is it so expensive in the US?  Players and coaches receive pay for their participation.  They wear expensive protective gear, most of which has not been proven through “level 1” evidence to be of benefit. And when players are injured, they receive expensive medical care that is not pre-approved by independent panels of decision makers.

Beyond that, players and coaches are incented to play more and better for even greater pay.  Thus, coaches and players, those who actually participate in the game, have a “conflict of interest”.  Who is to say that game results are not influenced by this inappropriate incentive to play better!

Recruitment and training of coaches and players is not standardized, thus its success is not able to be documented in a standardized fashion.  This leads to inefficiencies and inequality in the game.

Finally, advertisers and the media have an undue influence on the coaches, players, and the fans.  They interview coaches and athletes, adulate them, and make them national heroes through commercial advertisements.  Fans are misled and misinformed through these actions.  This raises questions about both the play and outcome of the game.

But have no fear our president has a plan to fix it. It’s called “Obamaball”.   And if we act very fast, we can save this game for all Americans.  But to do so, Obamaball must be passed NOW.  There is no time for thoughtful deliberation. “To do nothing is no longer acceptable.” 

Everyone agrees that only through a government controlled, single payer system, can football be saved and made equally available to all citizens.  The basis of this new and progressive game will be a “public option” in which every American has equal access to coaching and playing.  This will involve a uniform recruitment policy which will insure balanced representation of race, sex, age, religion, height, weight and disability.  To ensure the fair application of this policy, a “football czar” will be appointed by the president, and be responsible to only him and his designated representatives, such as the Senate Chairman, Speaker of the House of Representatives, or President of the SEIU. 

All recruitment and training will be thoroughly documented via “Pay for Performance” and “360 degree” evaluations submitted to the Center for Football Services (CFS) via the electronic athletic record.  Results deemed below acceptable standards (defined as “variable” by the CFS) will be subject to fines of $50,000 and 1 year of imprisonment per event.

To ensure fair and safe playing conditions, all players will be members of and represented by the SEIU, paying all appropriate fees and dues, and submitting to non-private voting structure.

Incentive pay will be allowed, in acknowledgement of variable skill levels.  However, because this could lead to significant discrepancies in pay, such incentives will be subject to a progressive tax to a maximum of 125% of the actual incentive.

To “level the playing field”, a uniform playbook will be created by a federally selected “playbook committee”, composed of citizens vetted for conflict of interest by the government.  Membership will be composed of citizens representing science, law, ethics, politics, homemakers, ACORN, and the SEIU.  Under no circumstances will individuals with knowledge and/or background in high school, college, or professional football be appointed to this committee.  All acceptable plays for each game will be selected by the coach representing the senate party majority.  It will be made available to the coach of the competing team allowing adequate time for that coach to study and understand the plays.  At no time will this period exceed five minutes before game time.

Because the media has the power to unfairly popularize skilled players over others, both they and the public will be restricted from interacting with coaches and players.  Finally, because the loud and emotional response of fans can unduly influence the outcome of play, all “in stadium” and home TV viewing will be eliminated.  Games deemed appropriate can later be viewed by invitation at government approved theatres, for a nominal price.

Remember, only immediate adoption of “Obamaball” will save the broken game of football.  It will make it equally accessible and equally enjoyable to all Americans.  However, failure to act will place football beyond recovery.  This is “change you can believe in!”   And you must believe, because these issues are far too complex for the American citizen to understand.  Don’t think about this, trust our President.  He went to Harvard.   Just act, NOW.

(BTW, if you think this might actually destroy American football, consider what it WILL do to the American health care system.)

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Carbon12, LLC is a California limited liability company founded by Sohrab Gollogy, MD, an active orthopedic spinal surgeon and Jill Serbousek, a spinal surgery patient. The founders have worked together for over 9 years in providing online patient education information for millions of pre-patient consumers, patients and care-givers. Their most recent project is called Healthandsharing.com, which is a social networking site dedicated to health care and lifestyle issues. Access to quality information and quality health care is Carbon12’s goal. Please join the conversation.